November 23, 2008 – 10:43 am
My last post was written in in the midst of a panic attack. I know he’s allowed to have bad days, just that the timing sucked. A lot. My own mind was not right; very self-focused on my own potential disease, knowing that there would be almost no way I could withstand this personal mental crisis if he was having his own. He has been my rock. He’s helped me breathe through panic attacks (which I had never had before… very scary). His own experience with being down helped me through my own nightmare. The mere thought of losing him at this very crucial time was more than I could bear.
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Thankfully, he’s one of “those people” you can always say anything to. This is a new strategy for me; this “talking” thing. I have always been so worried about protecting others, that I wouldn’t say much. I didn’t want anyone else to hurt or feel bad, to I took on the whole burden myself. This wasn’t something I could do this time, as I could no longer hide my feelings; they became quite physical and uncontrollable, therefore, un-hidable.
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I’m happy to report that all is good, we are both happy and MUCH less stressed now. Life can start again.
November 18, 2008 – 2:21 pm
Looks like we are in a low point. Part of me wants to hit and scream and cry and shout “F*ck you! Not now! Not when I need you… not when I’m worried and waiting to find out if I’m sick!”. The other part just wants to make it all better, to hold him – but he doesn’t want any of that. His coping strategies are very different than mine. It’s still too early in our relationship for me to have the tools to deal with everything; I’m learning… but… it’s just really, really difficult right now, especially when I know I am one of the reasons it’s a low point. Guh.
November 3, 2008 – 10:01 pm
I hate having to second-guess myself or, rather, his emotions. Is a grumpy mood just that; a grumpy mood? Or is it a precursor to something more… Sometimes I see such sadness in his eyes and I can’t help but question: “Are you coming back up for air soon, or have you slipped too deep again…?”
October 7, 2008 – 12:01 am
Things are fantastic right now. I pride myself on living in the moment and being grateful for everything I have… very carpe diem-esque.
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But, I know that depression never goes away… it can be managed to the best of our abilities but it’s always “there”. A little part in the back of my brain – no matter how much I try to squash it – is always waiting… looking for, even expecting, the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to be taken away from me again. I don’t want to think that way; I want to hold on tight to my normal Pollyanna attitude.
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99.999% of the time I’m happy-go-lucky and bouncy and shiny and all that; esp when he’s the Real Him.
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Funny how that 0.001% can take up so much mental energy.
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October 2, 2008 – 10:23 am
Ya… I know, it seems like an oxymoron. However, Brenda, a friend of mine and an artist drew this when she was married to someone suffering from depression. Apparently it made him smile 
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September 26, 2008 – 8:23 pm
I remember watching the movieThe Prestige – and at one point, the wife and the magician have these conversations on two different occasions:
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Alfred Borden: Everything’s going to be alright, because I love you very much.
Sarah: Say it again.
Alfred Borden: I love you.
Sarah: Not today.
Alfred Borden: What do you mean?
Sarah: Well some days it’s not true. Maybe today you’re more in love with magic. I like being able to tell the difference, it makes the days it is true mean something.
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And then:
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Alfred Borden: I love you.
Sarah: You mean it today.
Alfred Borden: Of course.
Sarah: It just makes it so much harder when you don’t.
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SPOILER ALERT!
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As we now know (if you have watched the movie – don’t read this if you haven’t and plan to see it – it’s key to the whole plot!!!) it was a set of twins, sharing their role in *all* their life. Sarah was picking up on subtle clues when it was her husband’s twin in her home instead of her husband.
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I’m not for a moment insinuating that my guy doesn’t love me (or anyone else’s partner during an episode of depression, for that matter)… just that this moment in the movie caught me… when ‘it’ happens, I can tell… there is someone else looking back at me. His “twin” – there as a placeholder of sorts – waiting for my love to return.
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I know I have learned to be very happy and appreciative of every moment I have the Real Him here with me.
September 22, 2008 – 6:50 pm
Can you still love someone who suffers with depression?
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I think so – and do. I’ll be honest; it scares me, I don’t fully understand it, but I’m learning. Things have been great for a while now, but I can’t help but wondering “When will it hit again?”, “Will I handle it better this time?”. The optimist in me says “Oh, it can’t happen again – look how wonderful things are!”. The realist says “Um… this doesn’t go away – there is always a chance.”
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Come along with me on my journey as I learn, support, grow and thrive alongside the man I love.