…because if I didn’t, I’d cry.
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We’re in One Of Those Times again and I’m questioning my strength to make it. I mean, it’s only been 5 days, but this time it started when I was already tired, stressed and overwhelmed with general life… now this gets thrown in. It’s tough to not let this blog turn into a bitch-fest because that really doesn’t do any good. I just really don’t know what to do; I question anything I say because “what if” it either sends him deeper or “what if” he snaps at me. Neither is an attractive option, so I just keep quiet. Which, again, is an option I’m also not sure about. He asked me today if I could stay with him if he were never happy again. Instinctively I said yes. I must admit that it got me thinking, however – could I? Could I eventually come to accept this as normal? Would I WANT to? I’m scared of my answer, and I don’t want him to know it because his depressed mind would find fodder to spiral even deeper, it would use that ember of “proof” to feed the fire and continue to consume until there was nothing left.
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In the Good Times, you think you are strong, you think that everything you build up will be enough to shepard you through the Bad Times. It’s days like this where you see that the Good Times carry you up to wonderful heights that seem to always be on the edge of a cliff; the higher you go, the deeper the fall. One of the most difficult things is to not be dragged down with him; I found myself doing nothing today, there was no will to concentrate, no will to accomplish. I’d go crawl into bed again right now, except that he’s in there and someone needs to be there for his son, get dinner, get the dishes done etc – and the reality is, it hurts more to lie down beside someone and still be alone.
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What do you do when the person you would normally ask to hold you, uplift you and keep you safe is the one making you cry?