We’re there again. I know that there is nothing I can do but sit back and ride the wave – still hurts, is frustrating and scares me. It happened so quickly… the morning on Thursday was good, then flip! The switch happened. I’m pretty sure I know what the trigger was, but he’s in no state to talk at the moment. Rather, I’m in no state to talk with the person talking back at me. There is a huge barrier. The blank, emotionless look is what gets me the most.
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Then there are the changes in behavior: blocking out casual conversation by putting on the earphones while working, no longer reaching out to touch me as he goes by, no kisses, no holding, no smiling at me as I enter his space; sometimes not even looking at me, or acknowledging my presence. I have “made” him accept a small amount of affection from me; it’s almost like touching a robot. In my mind, it’s me showing the “real him” that is trapped way down inside that I’m still here – want to give him a reason to fight and come back out.
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He told me once why he does this, the pulling away, blocking people out. He says that it’s because he needs to shut down – if he didn’t, a nasty part of him would lash out at those he loved, and he doesn’t want that. So, in a way, he’s distant because he loves me. At least I choose to think of it that way. Most of the time. It’s difficult to always see it that way when all you want is to be held, but know it won’t happen.
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It’s funny… it’s been so good for so long, I didn’t think it was possible that it would ever happen again. The optimist in me hoped it wouldn’t at least. Please come back soon; I know you’re in there.
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